It’s always said in our house that whenever the New Year rolls in, I turn a year older right after. I was born on the 15th of January and this year I turned 35.
I am not as reflective of the New Year as I am when my birthday rolls in. I take stock of what I did and what happened the year before but I go about the day as if it was any other. I woke up to a cooing baby who needed changing and a little bit of feeding; pumped milk for his mid-morning feeding; showered; kissed my sleepy oldest kid; and went to the office with Dan and my dad. Before that though, both of my parents came to my room to greet me as they have always done since I was a child.
I have to be honest. When I was writing this post yesterday, I felt weepy. Things just didn’t feel right and I felt a bit sad. I think that I’m still at that point where I am very cautious about being too happy or too optimistic. I’m afraid that even a tinge of joy can result in the universe coming back at me and biting me in the ass hard.
Because 2012 was hard. I sometimes run out of breath just thinking about the year that has passed and the singular moment that defined it. Yes tears still do fall. 2013 is also just starting out so I can still feel the rawness of the events last quarter and the pervasive heaviness that flows through my body. I allow myself to feel these moments though because these fuel me to move forward. These moments allow me to appreciate the other side of 2012.
Because 2012 also brought with it growth, compassion and opportunities, which have kept me afloat, loved and supported. I saw my husband in a new light and I appreciate the fact that the love of my life has also grown tremendously with me. I saw my friends and family rally behind us and cheer us on. Their love cast a wide net that caught us when we’ve fallen over the edge.
Maybe in a few months, I will allow myself to be carefree and happy. Maybe I will allow myself to laugh with abandon when I am hanging out with close friends.
You know what, scratch that, in a few months, I WILL be Happy. I should be adamant about my joy because to be less so is an insult to the blessings that 2012 brought. In those moments when the uncertain future creeps up behind me (and I know there will be) I will just have to sit down and deal with it but I will not allow it to eclipse my happiness. I will be “normal” again and worry about petty things like my weight or the state of my nails. I can’t wait.
And my 35th year officially begins