In a parenting forum I’m a member of, there was a huge discussion that went on about a supposed “breastfeeding” hater who’s a mom herself and who was said to be very discouraging and negative about breastfeeding. The one who wrote about the hater is a mom who’s currently breastfeeding. It was a hot topic and moms made sure their thoughts were known. I joined the discussion but I kept my email brief and told the concerned mom that just as breastfeeding moms want to be understood so do moms who don’t (or who can’t) and that probably her “friend” is going through a rough time and is just projecting all that negative energy, unfortunately on her. I then told the group that I for one am the biggest cheerleader for my friends who are still nursing their babies.
What I didn’t say is that I cheer because I live vicariously (breastfeed vicariously?) through my friends who do. You see, I NEVER BREASTFED DW. There I said it. WOW. I’ve said this couple of times in the forum and whenever people ask when they find out I’m a mom (yes, it’s a common icebreaker between moms I quickly realized). I’ve always muttered this statement though with a hint of regret or shame. Because no one really sets out to not breastfeed except maybe for those who decide from the get go that breastfeeding is not for them. But for the majority of moms, you can’t deny that one of the things we are excited about is nursing our kid. “It’s the most natural thing in the world” they say but I still read up and studied on the how’s and the why’s. In my baby shower alone I got two manuals on breastfeeding. One was a medical instruction manual created by a breastfeeding expert in Singapore. I also saw my mom nurse my two younger brothers and I thought that it would just be as “easy”. There were nursing groups and support groups but I didn’t attend any classes because it’s natural right? Surely when the milk comes I’ll be ready…right?
Well when DW was born, three days after we brought him back to the hospital, I still had no milk. I pumped until I was sore but I only got a few drops and the colostrum. I had to stop pumping too because whenever I pumped my episiotomy would throb and it was painful and heavy.
And DW was always hungry and so we gave him formula. The guilt I felt was immense. “I don’t want to be a failure” I thought. But we never latched.
That feeling coupled with being so overwhelmed with a new baby led me to a month of the baby blues. Whenever I’d feed DW using a bottle, I would always, ALWAYS CRY. Whenever I’d pump I would feel so pressured to produce more but my body could only give so much. It did not help that DW developed an allergy with the first formula his pediatrician prescribed and that that formula was hard to find in any supermarket! You could only imagine the thoughts running in my head that time.
I had to snap out of the funk I was in though when I realized that the person that I’ve become in that last month was not me and that I should be bonding with my son instead of being so self-absorbed in my own pity party. But for this to happen, I had to forgive myself first. I had to accept what BDW, my titas and my mom were telling me – that everything will be alright.
And so I pumped so DW could get breastmilk but he also drank Nan-HW. I pumped until my third month. I stopped pumping when an hour of pumping each breast would only produce 3-4 ozs of milk. Whenever I’d feed DW, I would talk to him, stroke his cheek, tell him about my day, what we’d do when he’s walking already, etc. Sometimes I’ll be watching TV while I feeding him and I’ll tell him what’s going on in the big world he’s now a part of. BDW was also able to join and feed DW. BDW loved doing it because he was also able to bond with DW and participate in something so nourishing, literally and figuratively.
I’ve gone past that stage of the what ifs and what should have beens because DW right now is just fine. He’s not sickly, he went through his vaccinations without ever having a fever and he’s developing fast (too fast). He’s speaking in phrases now and is just a blabber mouth (I guess I overtalked to him?!).
When a guy friend of mine asked me where he could buy his wife a nursing bib, I told him about the stores I knew. He also asked if any of those stores sold plain nursing covers because his wife did not want to attract attention. To each his own I know but at the back of my head, I thought, “why would I hide the fact that I am nursing?!”
Looking back, the greatest lesson I learned from not being able to breastfeed DW is that it’s not the end of the world. If we ever do have another baby though, I will try again for sure and if it doesn’t happen, I’ll move on.
Happy breastfeeding week everyone!
ej says
May 22, 2012 at 11:14 amMy BF Journey
hi miss nevs:-) never knew you didn’t breastfeed poging DW, breastfeeding or not, it shouldn’t make you less a mom (charut) 🙂 I also had the same problem when my bibong mighty kulot was born.. pamatay gulay.. it was such a tough moment for me having post-partum depression and at the same time couldn’t express milk for my little patootsie tootsie!
Zian Seth was delivered via CS section and was diagnosed with meconium stain and he had to stay at NewBorn Intensive Care Unit for 3 days hence waley kami naka BF moment agad..
my husband and I agreed to really try BF our son.. here comes the walang sawang tinolang manok and shell soup with dahon ng sili everyday.. papaya in between pa.. but all through out our difficult ordeal, our son was taking Similac HW .. waley pa rin tagas.. breast pump mode from dusk till dawn pero not enough supply talga.. (i even asked my hubby to try sucking it once in a while baka may miracle pero ayaw nya–kahit ibribe ko,, ayaw talaga:-p)
consulted my ob-gyne and she prescribed Natalac FeFol twice daily.. sinabay ko na sa shell churva and tinola with dahon ng malunggay, papaya.. then i was also drinking Anmum lacta and taking Nutrilite’s Calcium Magnesium plus pumping to the max .. twice ata nasira breastpump ko.. :-p
and the result, by God’s grace naging positive naman.. pero it took me 3 months pra magkaroon talaga ng ample supply.. first month kasi parang tagtuyot.. ang hirap hirap ng feeling.. 🙁
Zian Seth was exclusively BF when he was 3 months old na.. from formula to mix to bf na.. yehey.. now, i am in the process of weaning him.. parang piranha eh.. everyday ako nasusugatan and it takes really a long time to heal – thanks to my high blood sugar level.. :-p
every mom is unique though breasts is a common denominator 🙂
..should not be the only defining factor of motherhood..
missing you and ISS as well..
hugs and kisses!
manilamommy says
August 24, 2011 at 4:54 pmhi rochie17 – thanks so much for the comment. i feel that you need to reach out to an individual instead of a group for your concerns. maybe if you have someone who can coach you, you can still continue breastfeeding. i highly recommend visiting chroniclesofanursingmom.com who has the best resources and stories of breastfeeding moms (you can start with this link: http://www.chroniclesofanursingmom.com/p/vip.html
as for my own story, i just wanted to let moms know that not being able to breastfeed is not a failure of motherhood.
i wish you all the best rochie17 🙂
rochie17 says
September 8, 2011 at 10:42 pmHi! Yeah I’m still plodding on…not yet giving up (kahit na pitiful ang output ko when pumping. hehe). Thanks for the link. I have been checking out that site (among others). I only wished I did that while I was pregnant (not when I was already struggling with bf 😛 )
rochie17 says
August 24, 2011 at 4:36 pmHi manila mommy! I found you from topaz mommy.
I have the exact same feelings now. I was pumping yesterday and feeling really depressed because despite the fenugreek,malunggay pills and guyabano tea I am taking, my output seems to be decreasing. I kick myself constantly for not doing the “right things” to increase milk supply during the first few days of my baby’s life. I feel like such a failure.
It doesn’t help of course that I joined a breastfeeding group online (to get tips) and I see all these mothers who can pump liters and liters of milk! It seems like everyone else but me can do bf easily.
Now I’m at the point of giving up Bf entirely (I can only produce 6oz while I am at work). But I haven’t yet because I feel like I’m being a bad mom if I do.
Thanks for your post. It’s exactly what I need to hear right now. That formula feeding is not entirely evil (not killing baby anyway) and it’s not the end of the world to move from bf to ff.
ps. your baby is so adorable.
rochie17 says
August 24, 2011 at 4:35 pmHi manila mommy! I found you from topaz mommy.
I have the exact same feelings now. I was pumping yesterday and feeling really depressed because despite the fenugreek,malunggay pills and guyabano tea I am taking, my output seems to be decreasing. I kick myself constantly for not doing the “right things” to increase milk supply during the first few days of my baby’s life. I feel like such a failure.
It doesn’t help of course that I joined a breastfeeding group online (to get tips) and I see all these mothers who can pump liters and liters of milk! It seems like everyone else but me can do bf easily.
Now I’m at the point of giving up Bf entirely (I can only produce 6oz while I am at work). But I haven’t yet because I feel like I’m being a bad mom if I do.
Thanks for your post. It’s exactly what I need to hear right now. That formula feeding is not entirely evil (not killing baby anyway) and it’s not the end of the world to move from bf to ff.
ps. you’re baby is so adorable.
manilamommy says
March 28, 2011 at 11:32 amhi mommy chiara 🙂 let me congratulate you on your second baby! i do hope that you and your baby are both doing well. this post was hard for me to write but i’m so happy that’s it’s helping moms like us cope with the challenges of breastfeeding (or non-breastfeeding)
may i suggest that you go to jenny ong’s blog “http://fabnaima.blogspot.com/” she has resources on breastfeeding as well as links to breastfeeding support groups too.
take it easy mommy and i wish you all the best! regards to your family 😀
chiara says
March 28, 2011 at 9:52 amHi Neva, I just wanted to tell you I read this post of yours last year & had to search for it again today. I too had an unsuccessful time breastfeeding my son, only made it to 1.5 months & got so depressed afterwards. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have been so hard on myself…my Quito & I are very close. BUT today I just came from nursing my six-day old daughter & going through the same problems I had with my son. I told myself before that I would try harder to bfeed with the second baby…so now I am a mess of tears, frustration, despair…hay!
Just wanted to let you know your post helped make me feel better. Thank you for your honesty. Most mommy bloggers seem to just gloss things over and paint such rosy pictures of their motherhood/breastfeeding experiences. Makes regular moms like me feel like such a failure compared to the “alpha moms”. God bless you & your family! Your little boy is really super adorable.:)
Tani says
August 12, 2010 at 2:26 pmI only breastfed my two kids for a few days. I tried to be more patient but am always in pain and would end up frustrated when my babies weren’t getting enough milk. So there. I commend those moms who breastfed their babies, but this isn’t just for all moms. My babies are not sakitin and they’re attached to me. I believe that bonding and attachment is instinctual in a mother and a child. Not breastfeeding per se.
Faye says
August 9, 2010 at 2:40 pmHey Neva!
Your story really hit me. It was almost similar with what I’d gone thru. Maia latched perfectly but I wasn’t producing any milk for her to suck. I really struggled with bfeeding and my success rate was being able to pump about 2 ozs per session. That was my all time high. And unlike DW, Maia wasn’t very healthy on her first year. Daming ER trips and hospital confinements but I’m happy so far we had a ‘hospital holiday’ after she turned 1. Hopefully it stays that way forever (I wish!).
But you are right, not being able to breastfeed is NOT the end of the world. Being a mother is more than just being able to breastfeed and what’s important is we do not neglect the other 99% of that role. :))
neva adelane says
August 11, 2010 at 2:18 pmhi faye 😀 thanks and maia is growing up to be a pretty little lady complete with curls and all 😀
AnnaVi says
August 9, 2010 at 10:25 amhi tp! i always said that motherhood in itself should be a criterion for sainthood! having the pressure of heeding what society labels as good and bad when it comes to being a mother only makes the experience all the more self-actualizing.
i commend your practical and faithful response to your BF dilemna! i’m sure it required a lot from you mentally, physically and emotionally! but children have a way of making everything alright. of making you supernaturally stronger to endure. i am glad that you survived almost unscathed. everyday, you are the hero(ine) that we all know you are! and you have DW to thank for it! he’s a lucky one =)
neva adelane says
August 11, 2010 at 2:26 pmAnnaVi i heart you 🙂 thanks for always being there for me 🙂
Chris says
August 6, 2010 at 2:58 pmgreat post mommy… we are not all built the same way and doing your best for your baby is the best!
thanks for sharing this!
neva adelane says
August 8, 2010 at 10:51 pmthanks so much mommies 🙂 this post was really cathartic and thank you so much for being so supportive and understanding 🙂
the pics here pala are old, before DW turned one pa hehe 😀
Anna says
August 5, 2010 at 5:21 pmP.S. My godson looks adorable in the first picture! Sunnies with formula. Always a cool combination when you’re 1.8 years old!
Anna says
August 5, 2010 at 5:18 pmOh Neva. I never knew! I knew you didn’t breastfeed but I never imagined the emotional spiral. HUGS! But! Like you wrote – you wanted and you tried and you couldn’t and DW is fine. And that is that.
Besides, I agree, I think all the pros of breastfeeding seems to have manifested in DW anyway. He’s healthy (and my god, he was siksik too during his first few months di ba!), he’s super connected to you (how he won’t let go barely during Kindermusik classes, heller!), and he’s not sickly.
I breastfed sure but I don’t think breastfeeding automatically makes you mother of the year. I encourage it, but no use knocking down mothers who either can’t breastfeed, and especially mothers who chose NOT to breastfeed. I can’t stand when other mothers are judgmental. Raising a kid is a very personal thing, and every mom has her own triumphs AND her own crap (no matter how rosy a picture they may paint in their blogs). It’s like – never judge a couple who decides they don’t want children. To each her own.
Bles pumps milk like there’s no tomorrow. Bianca is fantastic. DW fed on formula. And he’s just as fantastic. And you’re 2 of the most inspiring mommies I know!
Martine says
August 5, 2010 at 4:14 pmHi!I found you through Topaz Mommy, and I just want to commend you for your bravery, honesty and vulnerability as a mom. You are doing an awesome job with your bub, and I am sure he feels every bit of love from you whenever you give him his bottle.
For me, BF was an accomplishment, one I didn’t think I would reach successfully. You see, when my son was around three weeks old, I developed mastitis, the dreaded breast infection. I was in the most undeniable pain I had ever experienced, so bad that it made me want to stop all together BF-ing my son. My mom had the same condition with me when she was nursing me as a baby, and she had to stop BF-ing me when I was 1.5 months.
Well, I did manage to hurdle that one week of excruciating pain, nursing my bub in pain, being told by my OB-GYN that it was the only way to get better. Now, I am still BF-ing, but in a few months will soon make the move to formula.
So you see, everyone is different. I don’t think that any mom who can’t produce milk is a failure; she is an amazing human being to have simply brought a life into the world! If anything, this is what we ought to celebrate! I have many friends who couldn’t BF, but they are as committed and attached to their kids as any BF-ing mom. I agree with Mom-Friday, you just have to be there for your baby. And you are, and I salute you.
God bless, and may you have more fruitful days to come as a mom!
Mom-Friday says
August 5, 2010 at 2:47 pmBreastfeeding should be a choice. It is not a contest and it should be a wonderful experience for both mom and child. Sadly, a lot of new moms and “experts” don’t see it this way and put undue pressure for those who “can’t”. As long as you try, successful or not, that is enough effort already. No shame in that 🙂 You are still blessed to have a very happy and healthy baby, that’s all that matters 🙂