Coach Pia SoMom Sessions: Building Healthy Relationships – The Importance of Knowing Your Core Values

The most recent #BetterMe sessions was all about building healthy relationships. The first exercise that we did has gotten me thinking again (thinking is always a good thing haha) and also assessing about my values and what exactly are those that I hold precious.

Finding Out My Core Values

When the session began, Coach Pia gave each of us 4 pieces of paper and told to us to write what/who we value on each paper.  I wrote down my job, my blog, my kids, my husband. I was anticipating what the next steps were and I was afraid that she would ask us to give up one by one these 4 things in an exercise.

Of course, that’s exactly what happened. “Giving up” my job was easy.  But I gave up my job before the blog though haha! When it came to the kids and the husband,  I screamed a little. Even though I anticipated it, it was still so hard to choose. They are both equal in measure but in the end I had to let go of Dan. I figured that the kids need me the most (or is it the other way around?) and so I held on to this last piece of paper until Coach Pia asked for that too.

That was a relatively simple exercise in values. Even though I know in my head who and what I value laying them all out provided me with the vision of what makes me whole.  It taught me in a few short minutes what and who I hold dear to my heart. 4 may be such a small number but it is a condensed list and I was forced to go with the most basic and the most primal ergo the Family, Finances and the Blog.  These are who and what I nurture every day.

The Values Exercise according to Coach Pia is for one to realize that

We have multiple values

We have a hierarchy of values

These values affect our decisions

These decisions affect our behavior (ETHICS)

We know something is valuable by the joy of attaining it or the pain of losing it.

Personal Value and Personal Relationships

Coach Pia taught us that

“The QUALITY of my personal relationships is determined by my ability to live out my personal values”

This led me to think about my last day job.  In the past two years, I was so stressed with my day job that I felt wretched everytime I would wake up in the morning. Not the most positive feeling ever but I came to the point where dealing with one of my bosses became such an ordeal. I called the boss a Dementor because he just sucked my joy.

That feeling of the job taking away from my children pressed even harder in those two years. I hated my job, and I realize now because of Coach Pia that at that point, I wasn’t living out my values anymore.

What I wasn’t living out wasn’t a good plan anymore. According to Coach Pia, a good plan is manifested Psychologically, Emotionally and Behaviorally

I wasn’t nurturing my job, my job wasn’t nurturing me and most importantly the negative energy I carried around with me all the time was so toxic that it affected my relationships with my husband and David.  David had a stressed mommy who came home to him at night. Dan had a weepy and frustrated wife who just ranted about her job.

Luckily I was able to move to another team where the workload was not as heavy but the opportunities for growth though were lesser. How is this nurturing my job? Well, to be honest, I was able to keep my salary and benefits. What I gained back? My sanity, a calmer me, a new role that I was actually excited about.  Was this a good plan? I think so because I feel that there is an alignment. I now have a job that I actually care about and my stress levels have gone down significantly. At the very least, my husband and the kids no longer had to bear my toxic vibe – this is reward enough.

What I Am Learning So Far

My day job and my other core values do not have to be in conflict. I should also be constantly aware of my personal values and I need to recalibrate every now and then so that my values are always in sync.

I thought before that quitting is the only means to achieve the balance that I was seeking but no, I can actually have a job and still live out my other core values.

What about people who have stressed me out? Well Coach Pia taught us that they may actually be unaware of their own personal values and are thus projecting all these negative energy.  Just like I was when I was so toxic, these people are likely the same too. And so, I am learning to understand these people too. And these don’t just apply to officemates mind you.  Our kids can also be so stressed out but we have to look at the situation and see in that moment what is it that is not in sync with them? If David can’t seem to keep still and do his homework, does it mean he doesn’t value school work? My guess is that it’s not but he values play and he doesn’t see the fun in doing schoolwork, so I need to make homework time fun for him.

How About You?

If you want you can also do the values exercise such as what we SoMoms did with Coach Pia. Think about your core values and rank them according to priority. Then figure out how these values are lived out in your current relationships.

Do you think it’s time for you to assess and see if your values are aligned? If you’re stressed out like I was how is it affecting your relationships?

To Be Continued

I have to admit that I was lucky that I was able to transfer to another team within the same office but I’ve always thought what if I didn’t have the opportunity? How do I deal with my stress and my boss? How do I deal with the negativity?