To the sea…

I remember that afternoon vividly. I was pumping milk for Noah at home and Noah was still in the NICU. It was a surreal Saturday afternoon because it was that week that we we talked to Noah’s doctors who discussed with me and Dan that he may have Ds. I remember feeling so heavy, worn and lost. What kept me going was the thought that we will surpass whatever it is that we were going through. I believed that whatever heaviness I felt that day would soon dissipate. I told Dan that when Noah is stronger that we will go to the beach, just  the four of us and we will just let the sun, sand and sea heal us. I don’t know why but I thought of the beach and I imagined myself breathing in the sea air and being healed. Life was chaotic then and I wanted things to be still, to just be.

Early this year, I felt that we were ready for this trip that I had planned in my head. So us four and Yaya Ann hied off to Boracay. It was a fulfillment of a promise to our family. It was such a roller coaster of a year and we needed to recharge and regroup. We also badly needed a break.

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It was the first time too that I ordered myself to not overthink things. Even my anxieties took a vacation. I didn’t pay any attention to the thoughts that kept popping up in my head (although I have to admit, I was looking for families who had a kid/kids with Ds who were on vacation too hehe) David was so happy just swimming all day. He rested by building sand castles in the sand. When we wanted to explore the island, David was so gung-ho. Even though I’ve been to Boracay a few times, seeing it through David’s eyes made it an entirely new experience.

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Dan and I had cocktails by the beach. I had lychee mojitos with my boys at my side. Both David and Noah were happy just playing with each other. Noah was so content scooping up sand and throwing it away.

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Our first vacation as a family is a milestone. It was a clean break from the past and it provided a much needed push forward to our “new normal”. I guess what I want to say in this post is that if you feel tired, despondent, and hopeless or kung sa Tagalog pa kung pakiramdam mo’y pinagsakluban ng langet at lupa…matatapos rin yan. May katapusin rin yan. Maniwala ka sa akin. Promise.

It doesn’t mean that the road ahead will be smooth but you will learn how to ride the bumps. It doesn’t mean that what haunted you before will not come back, it will  but you will know better than to let it interfere with your present. What is sure though is that there will always be light and that there will always be better days to look forward to. And for us, there will always be the sea.