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Motherhood is one adventure after another. I live, I learn, I write.

How to Deal

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Hey there good lookin’ 😉 I’m sorry that I’ve been remiss with my posts. Well as you can see from what I wrote below, I’m trying to deal with issues. I’ve talked to friends and BDW about this and now I turn to you for your sage advice.  Thanks in advance dear friends and hope the long weekend allows you all to recharge and be with family and good friends.

malayo ang tingin....

I’ve been in Corporate for 12 years. 10 years in the same company where I found and eventually married the wonderful father of my kid.  I couldn’t believe I lasted 10 years but looking back it was all because I found a team and a family here. Things have changed quite a bit in the last 3 years as  now I have my own family to take care of. My day job entails intense, pressure-filled work in the 2nd  and 4th quarter of the year. By intense I mean, “wiwi lang ang pahinga”, 12-16 hour days, weekend work and the absence of long holidays. It used to be manageable then because I was younger, I had the stamina and the energy. But now, it’s all different because when I come home, I put on my mom hat and my mom hat does not really do much if the kid I’m supposed to be a mom to is asleep. My mom hat  is useless when all I could tell my little kid who wants Mama to stay behind  and eat breakfast with him is “I need to go to the office”  My kid has dropped words like “dito ka na lang mama” or “mama wag ka nag mag-office” and they have stabbed my heart and I couldn’t  concentrate on my work any longer because I just want to be home.

Some would say that those words would motivate them to do their best and be the best. Some would see this as a signal to reassess things.  The past few months have just been a challenge for me work wise and it’s not just because of the actual work but because of the issues that I’ve had to deal with.  I think at some point every parent, not just moms, has to deal with these cross roads.

I have a co-manager at the office that has moved on to another team. Her main reason, she didn’t want to do the same mistake she did with her first son with her second son. She didn’t see her first kid grow up because she was stuck in the office, doing the same work I am doing now.  It broke her heart when her kid got a star on his hand but he had to wash it because it was bed time and Mommy wasn’t home yet.  It drove her to tears when her kid asked why she wanted to spend more time at work than with him. Her kid is just 5 years old.

Of course, let’s not get into the nitty-gritty of the other details that make corporate life uhm exciting but yes, those too add to the pressure and sometimes become more unbearable than the workload itself.  And to be honest, it is this last thing that’s making me reassess my options. Yes I am truly sad because certain events are beyond my control now and it all happened in the span of one month.

I’m sorry to be a bit cryptic, it’s just that I don’t want to give away too much as it involves my day job 😛

I want to ask you moms out there who have quit the Corporate Life, what is that moment when you made that big leap? What was your exit strategy?

 To fellow working moms, how do you deal with issues like this??

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Comments

  1. Hello Neva,

    I was reading thru your facebook fan page and saw this post. Super timing. I think I feel about 90% the same as you’re feeling now. =(

    So no advice from me now, I think makiki-leech muna ko sa pieces of advise nila to you. =)

    I’ll include you in my prayers..

    Reply

  2. Quitting my job in favor of family has been my wishful thinking for many years now. I have been in the corporate world for almost 15years. I left a comment on your post that should you find a perfect way to deal with it, i would be very glad to know about it. While it is true that it is too hard to juggle different roles as career woman, mom, wife etc…there are certain circumstances that we really find hard to choose. As for me, I really had a hard time quitting my job as we have intricate financial needs, as in very complicated. But learning from friends who are also career women and at the same time family women, I resolved to continue working. I also did a post about this one “when working mom’s kid becomes working mom” where I shared my thoughts about my own experience as a child of working mother and also being a working mom myself. I have friends who are working mothers themselves (twice my age) and they advised me not to quit my job. I followed their advise as judging from the way they raised their families, they have been very successful (children who graduated suma cum laude, a board topnotcher). They told me that it is your relationship with your children and your husband that should matter. How do you do it? Even if you have a job, never ever consider it as your top priority….it should always be “family first” and you are good to go…It is truly difficult to deal at the stage when you are just starting to raise kids because there is always the thought that you need to be there for your kids (which is ideal). I was told that we need to be open with our children and help them understand that we are doing it for them…that even if we are working, they are still our priority. Heartaches will always be a part of it but when you have trained your kids to understand your situation, everything will work just fine. They said children go astray when they feel neglected thus we should make it a point to always give time for them even if we are working, like eating together at a meal and sharing stories with them, going out once in a while or if you can afford to go out more frequently and fetching them in school once in a while, they really value those times. Also, we need to ensure that we attend to their most important needs like when they are sick or something is needed in school, that way, they will still feel your valuable presence in their lives. I may not be a perfect mother but I think I have somehow dealt with my situation just fine. I am thankful that they have grown to be obedient and God-fearing teenagers now.

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  3. My first time to comment here but I’ve been visting your blog here and there. We kinda have the situation. I work an 8-5 job here in the US, my son goes to daycare while I’m working and my work is only a few minutes away from our house. The husband has a good paying job that can support us if I decide to quit my job. So after I gave birth we decided that I go back to work since my job is so easy, stress-free and flexible if I need to go to doctors appointment etc and so close to home. But it came to the point where I wanted to climb up that coporate ladder but that would mean less family time. It broke my heart that I couldn’t do this leap and I felt stuck in this position. At the same time it felt selfish that I want to this for me not for the family. I prayed for answers, and decided to stay where I am and continue doing the same routine. Yes I regret that I couldn’t do what I want right now but I am happy that when I go home and put my mommy-hat on I can give my 100% to my family. I just keep telling myself that maybe later on in life.

    So I guess my advice is, do not quit your job but take on a less challeging role where you go 8-5 and go home to your family. Money is not everything you will learn to adjust financially. Working helps you and I keep our sanity (just kidding). Moms also need that outside interaction, keeps the brain going and adult conversations. In my case, it’s also good for my son that he gets to interact with other kids at day care rather than being home with me all day. Yeah I might miss PTA meetings here and there but it won’t be as bad. When I’m home I really can focus on my boys and not think about work all the time.

    Finally, talk to your husband. Make the decision together and don’t look back. Follow what your gut tells you. Do it what you think is right for YOU and your family. Believe me everything is fall into place. Good Luck and I love your blog.

    G

    Reply

  4. Hi similarly-minded moms. I am also doing a full-time dayjob and has started blogging recently (I hope you can find time to visit http://www.legallymama.blogspot.com) I say you pray it over and ask for guidance. In the end, God’s plan is always always bigger and better than our plans.

    Nice blog by the way. Hope you can visit mine, too.

    Reply

  5. wow, your work situation makes mine seem hmm..underwhelming hehe i think merrymaan has a point, you should wait and decide when the chaos has subsided and then reassess your priorities 😀 goodluck!

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  7. mads, obviously I am not yet a mom (not even at the verge of being one hehe :p) but I know you know that I understand your predicament. just wanted to say that we are here for you:) *hugs*

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  8. Hugs to you, Nev. I fully understand the gravity of the decision that you must make. Take comfort in the fact that whatever decision that you make, God, BDW, your family and your friends (kami yown!) will be behind you all the way. I also know that whatever you eventually decide on will be what is best for you and your family because I am confident that you will make it work. Make it happen, Franz Pumaren! Hehehe.

    Like what Ryan always tells me whenever I feel overwhelmed – PAYT LANG! 😀

    Rak en roll lang tayo! 😀

    Reply

  9. You know how I feel about OT and living to work… And you know I absolutely get what you are going thru with your issues at work… But as someone who has moved from 1 challenging job to another on the basis only of following my heart, don’t make the decision to leave when you’re down. Do it after this toxic period in your career. There will always be challenges. The question is always, is it still worth it? And you can only clearly and honestly answer that when you are free from the pressures you’re dealing with right now. BDW will support you in whatever you decide, I’m sure.

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  10. Hello! First time commenter here na nakikicomment na rin! I also used to be in the corporate/banking industry for 10 years before I left. My work was like yours, super toxic. Overtime on weekdays and weekends. Never ending things to do, a slave driver boss, outrageous quotas to reach, clients who’d call me even at night or on weekends. My daughter was around 3 years old then. I practically never saw her awake during those times. Of course, I’d make up for it on weekends, but somehow my mind was always on work. On Monday, dapat gawin ko ito, tapusin ko ito. Whenever my daughter got sick and I’d have to bring her to check ups, half of the time I’d be on the cellphone with clients or my boss. I’d end up resenting her pa for making me take a leave when there are so many things to do pa in the office. That’s when I realized na it’s not healthy anymore. Resigning for me was really a leap of faith. My husband was agreeable to taking on the burden of spending for all the household expenses, but what I was concerned about was (as shallow as it may seem), was my own personal shopping expenses and luho. Frankly, hindi ako mabubuhay without shopping. I was earning a comfortable salary and could buy whatever I wanted. I didn’t know if I could give that up. But I also knew that the emotional stress plus constant lack of quality time with my baby would pose more disadvantages in the long run. So iyon, I resigned. At first my husband gave me a humble allowance for my personal expenses. It was a FAR cry from the usual amount that I’d been earning, plus the bonuses (huhuhu). But I did my best to adjust and curb the shopping. But then you know what? Our God is an amazing God, and He really provides. Gradually, little “sidelines” fell into my lap — some freelance writing, then a radio program asked me to be their scriptwriter, and now, I’m tutoring some kids. It’s been 5 years since my resignation and I can say it was the best decision I’ve ever made. I’m present at all my daughters’ school programs, PTCs, open house, etc. I can read to them, go to the park, tutor them and help them with their schoolwork. We can have leisurely talks and quiet conversations without the cellphone ringing every 2 seconds. And when they reach the scary teen years, I hope the foundation I’ve built during their early years will serve them well. I don’t want them growing up, going to college and then me realizing that I barely know my kids, that I haven’t had decent conversations with them, that I was never a significant figure in their lives. Any monetary gain or career achievement for me is nothing if at the end of the day you realize you and your kids have turned out to be strangers.

    Having said that though, I’m not telling you to resign, no. Every case, every mother is different, and only you can decide on that. If you must work, or if you enjoy your job, then by all means continue to work. You just have to exert extra effort to make your child feel that he is your utmost priority inspite of your busy schedule. Make weekends sacred. Fill up your free time with loving and bonding activities. I know many working moms who do that, and who have managed wonderfully. It CAN be done, it just needs some clever time management and extra effort. Now, if you DO decide to resign, just have a backup plan of what you can do during your free time (like when your child is at school) that will still you allow you to be productive and earn some income that you can call your own (iba pa rin ang feeling when you have your own money to spend). And most of all, pray about it. Turn over your worries to God and pray for yourself and your child. He will not forsake you. God bless!!

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  12. hi neva. hugs to you. i’m also a working mom and talaga namang pagdating ng 5pm uwi na ako. lucky me, my job doesn’t demand too much from me. would love to be a wahm but we right now we can’t afford to be a single-income family, 2 babies in 3 years :). pray for God’s guidance, that’s all i can say, and hope everything will fall into its place. love your blog and hope to meet u soon!

    Reply

  13. Pray for it Neva, and talk it over with your dear hubby. That’s the only thing that I think can give some light at this stage in your life.
    Although I don’t consider my “job” in advertising as corporate, I did the 9-5 grind for 10 years. Fortunately for me, 5 years were spent managing my own small agency so I still have the flexibility to work just 3x/week to be with my baby then. I also prayed for signs, and talked with my husband about our options. Each of us deal with unique circumstances in our household so ultimately, it’s a couple’s decision. Follow your gut. I did.
    One of my options then was when the kids are in school already, I can try to go back to a regular paying job. Well, you know that did not happen! 🙂 But quitting the job and closing the business did pay-off for me since it was a perfect time to focus on my eldest when he really needed me most, esp. with his special needs. Of course I absorbed most of the adjustments since I’m not contributing to the family income anymore, but no regrets for me. He was 2 then, just like your David. Will pray for you.
    You know we’re all just here if you need to talk 🙂

    Reply

  14. i don’t know what to say…but I feel you there…on my part, it was my decision to be a stay-at-home-mother, kahit masakit sa akin na not to work but know what, on my part ha, it is worth it kasi lahat ng milestones ng 3 kong anak na babae, I have seen all of those. I may not be earning to help in the financial aspect of our household but I know that what I am doing, there is no amount of money that will compensate the feeling of being there. Hey, they say we women are multi-tasker, we could do it. I know you could do it. Remember you could always ask help from your family… basta whatever decision you will come up to, I know it will be for the better of your kid and of your family. God bless you Neva…kaya mo yan?!

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  15. Hi Neva, I’ve been a working mom since I bore my eldest child. Now I have 3 daughters and my eldest is already 11 years old. I don’t know if this advice will help but it has worked for me all these years that I’ve been working in a corporate world. When we had my first child, I DEVELOPED A MINDSET that my 9-5 work is just my part-time job and my real works start when I’m at home. I’m 42 years old now, and surprisingly, once I put my mommy hat on, I still have the energy and I guess, it’s because of that mindset. I take the commute (shuttle) daily from work going home and that’s the time I try to catch up on my sleep (about an hour of traffic). My one-hour lunch break is sacred to me, that’s my “me” time everyday. I sometimes even get out of the office and just take a walk going to Greenbelt after I take a quick lunch. It’s also the time that I do prayer walks — communicating with God in my mind. When I get back to office, I feel recharged. I’m very vocal to my superiors that I have to leave the office at 5:30 to be with my 3 daughters. I have spoken to my bosses about my priorities and they know that it’s not my job but my family. Before they assign to me tasks (I handle 3 positions at work – as a Credit Officer, MIS/Budget Officer and the entire group’s Administrative Officer), I will assess and tell them what I can finish and what I can’t for the day or for the week. My husband is based in Malaysia right now so I’m also the only one taking care of the household. My bosses know my work ethic because I tell them that I can work my ass off from 8:30-5:30, even earlier if they want (since I don’t take breakfast) but once the clock strikes 5:31 pm. I have to be out of the office since I want and have to be with my kids at 7:30pm. We all sleep together in one room. I am very grateful to God for giving us reliable helpers (1 nanny for our 2yo, and the other one is an all-around helper). I refuse to be called a supermom because I am not. Believe me I need all the help I can get. My schedule can get chaotic but with lots of prayers and resolve to prioritize my family, I manage. I have already set my mind that if my bosses will require me to work for longer hours everyday, then I have to look for another employer, because I know I cannot give them that. I am willing to risk my job and my position because I know in the end, my time with my family / my kids is far more important and valuable than my job and what I’m getting from my job. Oh yes, so many times, I get similar lines from my kids, “Mom, can you not go to office today? Please, please mom.” or “Can you not go home, mom, when the sun is still up?” But one thing I promise them everyday is that I will be with them and still help them with their homework and then play with them, and tuck them to bed.

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  16. Super hugs Neva! I also don’t have any words of wisdom to share but I just wanted to let you know somehow that you’re not alone. I’ve been struggling with the same issue for the past 3 years now. I cannot keep count anymore of the times I was tempted to just drop everything and stay at home to be with Maia. But I also know for a fact that we are not yet ready to be a single income household so I’m still preparing for that till now. I know deep in my heart that it is what I wanted. To be available 24/7 for Maia and Tibs. I was so sure before that I am born to succeed in the corporate world but when I gave birth that perspective changed. I am happiest with my role as a mother and a wife. So work doesn’t really rank anywhere in my priority list now. What I’m lucky though is that my job doesn’t really demand so much from me. But it isn’t rewarding career-wise. It doesn’t really provide me with so much avenues to grow professionally but it pays the bills and that makes me happy already. I will pray that you find your answers soon. Super hugs again to you!

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  17. I wish I had some great words of wisdom to share, Nev, but I don’t. I just flowed with the things that came my way after that day I was (pregnant) told that I was going to be retrenched. That came as a blessing in disguise as it led to where I am at now. I will be praying that you will be able to discern what it is for you. HUGS to you my friend!

    Reply

  18. You need a hug! 🙂 You do work so hard and lately, you’ve been working harder nga! But I’m glad you still have time for us crazies 🙂

    When I left corporate, I wasn’t a mom yet but I knew I wasn’t happy anymore. It was a major leap of faith to leave a steady high-paying multinational career and put up my own business but I felt like it was the right thing to do. The more I thought about me leaving and being in my own business, the more I felt at peace. And that’s when I knew 🙂 I’m glad my business has been able to sustain my lifestyle for the last 7 years. I am blessed to have work come to me when I need it. And if something is for you then the universe will conspire to make things happen. So my advice, pray about it, think about what you really want to do and see what makes you feel most peaceful. If you want to have coffee, I’m here 🙂

    Reply

  19. Hi Neva.. I can so relate. Sometimes it frustrates me too and I’d give anything to stay at home with Anika. But like Cai, I need to earn also to contribute because milk and diapers (plus everything else) are expensive.

    It’s such a coincidence because just this afternoon, our trainer told us that how we are now (personalities, majority of our values, how we react on things) were already formed by the time we reach our 7th birthday. Meaning important sa bata talaga ng proper guidance from 1 to 7 years old. When I heard that I almost decided to resign from my job right there and then. Wala pa ako sa mga reasons like witnessing the milestones ha and personally taking care Anika.

    Being a working mom is a challenge talaga, emotionally and physically. Ako my advice is if kaya naman ng one income lang, be a stay at home mom na lang. But if hindi kaya (for other reasons aside from financially), time management is the key. Or get a job talaga that demands less of your time. Yung tipong 8-5pm lang and strictly weekdays only.

    Kaya mo yan girl. I know you will decide what’s best for you, your husband and especially for your baby because you are a good mother. =)

    Reply

  20. hi neva. your blog post so resonates with me, i was in the exact same predicament some 11 years ago. i loved my marketing and pr job, it was exciting and i was told that i was good at it. things changed dramatically after i came back from maternity leave. i left home before my baby woke and got back with him fast asleep. at work, i found myself overly anxious about getting home early enough for a bedtime story. i quit after 9 months. i was fortunate because we had a family business that i could siksik myself into. i sometimes wonder, at what level i would be now, professionally i mean, had i not left—and then my thoughts quickly wander to my 5th grade son, prep-level daughter & 2yr old baby. the older ones are doing extremely well in school, and i wonder, would they have realized their potential and talents if i (and my hubby) was not as present as i have been? now that my older son is a tweener, i wonder if he’d share his little secrets with me if time spent with me wasn’t as liberal. my 2 yr old recently had health issues that i just know would not be compatible with my “old” life, had i stuck with it. just wanted to share my experience with you, in the hope that it helps somehow. take care ?

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  21. Oh Neva, I know I couldn’t give you any advice because the corporate world was never part of my life. Things have always been flexible, in terms of work, for me. But I know that we share something in common – we’re both moms – and though I may not know how you exactly feel, I know how it is to love a child.

    So here’s a hug – from a mom to another – and hoping that it’ll reassure you that things are only going to get better. Sometimes, all we need is to trust that things will fall into place. Don’t worry. While it may seem that your world is in shambles, do know that we – your family and friends – will always be there to support you and help you make sense of all that chaos. 🙂

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    • Hugs to you, too! Like Paola, super flexi rin my sked and my bosses are moms so they’re so giving, always allowing me to work from home! I hope you, too, can find that kind of schedule.

      A lot of women will encourage you to resign, that nothing’s more important than the kids. While that’s true, not all of us have that luxury of becoming housewives, or of having a partner with mega-good income, or of having a partner at all! So I do hope that you get lots of money or you find another job that earns you a lot but isn’t so demanding 🙂

  22. I know how you feel! But perhaps my experience is a bit different, in that I was never in corporate; I used to be a teacher. My exit strategy involved a two-month notice and mentoring a new teacher to take over me come the next school year; ended my contract with the school on Feb 2010, according to DepEd procedure (which stated I had to resign before the end of the school year).

    I suppose making the switch to working at home was something I wanted inherently, so I made it happen. Like, I wanted it more than I wanted to work out of the house, you know? Sure, I sacrificed a lot in terms of benefits (how I miss that HMO). But it’s not easy to be a WAHM either: wrote about that today here http://daintymom.com/2011/11/escaping-the-tyranny-of-busy-mommy-guilt/

    It also wasn’t easy financially, but I managed to match and even exceed what I used to make in my former job (not that teachers get paid much, hehe). Still, working on my own and finding projects has kind of forced me to good, you know? I’m able to spend more time with my kid, yes, but even I need to give myself time to yield and “be mommy,” not a WAHM.

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  23. Awww, Neva. Well, me, I’ve been working for 4 years pa lang, 1 year as working mom. But everyday I wish I could just stay home and be with Y, but hard times like now, I need to earn. I’m also on the verge and contemplating if I should quit all together. Not so much advice from me hehe. I’d like to know your other reader’s advice 🙂

    Reply

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