It’s the start of another work week. I’m still on maternity leave and everyday I visit Baby N in the NICU. The good news is that he’s out of the Isolette (incubator) and he’s thriving. The nurses at the NICU made him a glove balloon and wrote the words “Happy One Month!” and stuck it to the side of our kid’s bassinet. I snuck a picture of the set-up and shared the pic and the good news to my family and friends.
When I saw Baby N in his incubator, I burst into tears. I was so happy and relieved at the same time. His neonatologist was there too and told us that they’d be feeding N “as tolerated” soon. This means that as long as N wants to feed, they will feed him. He currently takes in about 1.5 oz of milk every feeding and they have yet to breach that. They will be feeding him more in the coming days when it seems that N is ready to take more. N feeds every 3 hours.
I have been pumping since N’s birth and every time I visit him, I breastfeed him. He has a good suck and swallow reflex, which I am thankful for. He has a condition, which has yet to be confirmed, and a weak suck is characteristic of that condition. Whenever I hold N, I don’t want to let him go, which makes the daily visits really hard. Going home without him and the anxieties I feel about him have become really overwhelming at times. I have been on an emotional roller coaster since Sept. 14 (N’s birthday) and I’m not sure when the ride will stop or if it well ever stop.
As I write this, DW is still sleeping soundly beside me. He doesn’t have to wake up early for school because he’s already on sem break. In a few hours, I will be on my way to St. Luke’s to visit N in the NICU to spend time with him and feed him. I stay in the NICU for two hours and before I go home, I always pass by the chapel to say my prayers. The whole exercise is emotionally draining but when I get home, I focus on DW. He has been wanting to come along with me to see N and feels sad when I have to leave him. When I’m alone though I can’t help but feel helpless and anxious and scared. I celebrate our family’s small wins and victories but the anxiety I feel for N sometimes just overwhelms me. Sometimes I snap out of it right away but two weeks ago, I just finally felt the burden of the things I was going through. I had migraines because I was crying all the time and the times I weren’t crying, I was holding back tears.
BDW talked me out of it and has comforted me throughout the ordeal. Parenthood transforms you most definitely and I have seen so much change with me and BDW. Our dynamics as a couple has grown tremendously and the support we have now for each other is stronger. What I’ve also seen and felt now is how what we’ve gone through has transformed our circle of friends and families into an unbelievable support system. My little family has been on the receiving end of a lot of hugs, prayers, gifts and good vibes.
My gratitude has been overflowing these past few weeks. Thank You are two words that I’ve uttered so many times now and I know I will be saying over and over and over again. Each day is a blessing and we are blessed by people who genuinely love and care for us. I am thankful that we are surrounded by people who are willing to share the burden of our anxieties with us and who celebrate our family’s victories with so much joy.
So please allow me my barrage of Thank Yous now:
To our parents – for holding us close and for always catching us when we fall. Thank you for propping us up when we feel weak and for the many words of wisdom. Thank you Mom for driving me everyday to the NICU because I couldn’t drive yet. Thank you to my dad for being so wonderful and kind and for being so excited for his us new apo. The uncondtional love you have for us sustains us.
To our family – for the encouragement and for cheering on Baby N. We can’t wait for N to see his titos and titas and cousins!
To our friends – for being willing ears to listen to our anxieties and for being shoulders for us to cry on. It means so much to us that we have people who genuinely care for our family. Thank you for allowing us to be weak and for making us laugh whenever we need it the most.
To N’s doctors and nurses – for being very kind and for always receiving us with a ready smile. I’ve always figured out how you guys get through your days with the sick babies at NICU. Your kindness and professionalism never ceases to amaze me and BDW.
To the good Lord -for sending us angels via our friends and family. Your love is manifested through them and it is through them that we feel your love. Thank you so much Lord and I pray that you continue to bless our friends and family.
To you – Thank you for the prayers, the kind thoughts and the good vibes you’ve sent Baby N and our family.
To BDW – I’ve always said that I am the luckiest girl for having snagged you and everyday brings new reasons for me to be in awe of you. Thank you for being there for me and for loving me no matter what. For loving our kids (we have two now!!) and for always being brave for them. Thank you for your honesty and for your kindness and for allowing me to be weak. Thank you for keeping me strong for our two boys.
BDW, DW, N and I are facing a long road ahead of us but one thing I do not want is to be buried under my fears and worries that I forget to see the good things and the good people we have in our lives. Thank You everyone for letting me see the good always.
*poster is from here